When you move to another country, you gain a lot. But you also lose things: being close to your people, your everyday language, the smells of your neighbourhood, your place in the world. That mix of excitement and loss has a name: migratory grief.
I have emigrated several times and I have lived it first-hand. In this article I explain what it is, why it is so particular and what you can do to get through it without getting stuck.
What is migratory grief?
Grief is the natural process through which we reorganise ourselves inside after a significant loss. When you emigrate, you don’t lose one person, but many things at once: relationships, habits, status, landscapes. Migratory grief is the psychological work of processing all those losses while you build a new life.
Psychiatrist Joseba Achotegui, who has studied the mental health of migrants for decades, points out that it is not an illness. It is a normal reaction, and most people work through it over time. Only in extreme conditions can it become something more serious, such as Ulysses syndrome.
Why migratory grief is different
According to Achotegui, migratory grief has its own features that set it apart from other kinds of grief:
- It is partial. Your country doesn’t disappear: it is still there, you can call, you can visit. It is not a definitive loss, and that makes it more ambiguous.
- It recurs. Every call, every trip, every piece of news from home brings it back. You may feel you had “got over it”, and then suddenly it returns.
- It is multiple. You don’t lose just one thing, but several at once: family and friends, language, culture, land, social status, belonging and, sometimes, physical safety.
- It touches childhood. Language, food and landscapes are imprinted in the first years of life. That is why losing them hurts so deeply, even if you emigrate as an adult.
- It changes your identity. People who emigrate are transformed. Over time, you are no longer entirely from here, nor entirely from there.
- It is ambivalent. You can feel love and anger at the same time, towards both your home country and your host country. That is normal.
- It also affects those who stay. Your family goes through their own grief over your departure.
- Going back is another migration. The person who returns is not the same one who left, and the country has changed too. That is why returning can hurt as well.
Signs you may be going through migratory grief
There is no fixed timetable: grief moves forward, stops, comes back. Here are some common signs:
- Intense homesickness, especially on special dates (Christmas, birthdays, local festivals back home).
- Sadness or tears for no specific reason, sometimes after talking to your family.
- Tiredness, irritability or trouble sleeping.
- Idealising your country and seeing only the negatives of the new one, or the other way round.
- Feeling caught between two worlds: a foreigner here, and more and more of a stranger back home.
- Guilt for having left, or for not being there when your family needs you.
Feeling all this doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means that what you left behind matters to you.
Simple, complicated or extreme grief
Achotegui distinguishes three ways of living migratory grief, depending on the conditions in which you emigrate:
| Type | Conditions | What usually happens |
|---|---|---|
| Simple | You emigrate with papers, a job, support and the option of visiting home | There is sadness and homesickness, but the grief is worked through over time |
| Complicated | There are serious difficulties: young children or ill parents far away, insecure work | It is harder to work through; seeking support is a good idea |
| Extreme | Forced loneliness, struggling to survive, fear, no possibility of going back | The stress exceeds the ability to adapt: this is Ulysses syndrome |
If you emigrated with papers and the option of going back, you are most likely experiencing simple or complicated grief, not extreme grief. Even so, it can weigh heavily, and asking for help is not an overreaction.
What you can do to work through migratory grief
Working through grief doesn’t mean forgetting your country. It means finding it a place inside you while you put down roots in the new one. Some ideas:
- Give yourself permission to feel. Homesickness and sadness are not a failure of your plans. Trying not to feel them usually makes them heavier.
- Name your losses. Go through the seven griefs and ask yourself which ones weigh most. Writing it down helps you sort out what you feel.
- Keep your ties, without living only through them. Call your people, but also make an effort to build relationships where you are.
- Keep your rituals. Your music, your recipes, your celebrations give you continuity. You can share them with people in your new country.
- Learn the language at your own pace. Every step forward gives you back a little autonomy and humour.
- Prepare for visits and for going back. Going home stirs things up too. Knowing that in advance helps you live it with fewer surprises.
When to ask for help
It is worth talking to a professional if sadness or anxiety lasts for weeks without improving, if you find it hard to work or sleep, if you are becoming more and more isolated, or if you feel that nothing makes sense.
In therapy we work with evidence-based approaches. Third-wave CBT, such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and mindfulness, helps you make room for homesickness without letting it paralyse you, and build your life here around what truly matters to you. When difficult experiences still weigh on you, EMDR can also help.
Sessions are online, in English, French or Spanish. Talking about what you left behind in your own language, with someone who has also emigrated, brings a lot of relief.
If at any point you think about ending your life, call the emergency services of the country you are in (112 in the European Union, or your local emergency number).
Frequently asked questions
How long does migratory grief last?
There is no fixed length. Because it is a partial and recurring grief, it can reappear years later, for example during a visit or when a relative falls ill. What matters is not that it disappears, but that it stops holding you back.
Is it the same as culture shock?
Not exactly. Culture shock is the confusion you feel in the face of different customs and codes. Migratory grief is broader: it includes everything you lose when you leave, including family, language and status.
Does it also happen to people who chose to emigrate and are doing well?
Yes. Choosing to leave and being happy with your decision doesn’t stop you from missing what you left behind. Ambivalence is part of the process.
What if I want to go back to my country?
Going back is a new migration. You have changed, and so has your country. Preparing for it calmly, sometimes with help, avoids a lot of surprises.
Can I have online therapy from any country?
Yes. Video sessions allow good-quality work and give you access to a psychologist in your language, wherever you are.
Shall we talk?
If you recognise yourself in this article, you don’t have to go through it alone. The first contact is free and lasts 20 minutes: you tell me how you are and we see together how I can help.
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Gonzalo Garzo, clinical psychologist (registered in France, ADELI 179307913, and with the Official College of Psychologists of Madrid, M-34763), specialising in expatriation and adjustment processes.
Sources (in Spanish)
- Achotegui, J. (2006). Estrés límite y salud mental: el síndrome del inmigrante con estrés crónico y múltiple. Migraciones, 19, 59–85.
- Achotegui, J. (2014). Psicoterapia en inmigrantes: condicionantes sociales y culturales. Psiquiatria.com.
- Vera Fernández, R. (2019). Una revisión teórica sobre el duelo migratorio. Master’s thesis, Universidad de La Laguna.
